Life is full of difficult days, heartache, tough times, sad moments . . . I guess that's how we know when we are having good days, euphoric moments, happy days . . . On top of all those complicated feelings and emotions I also pick up the emotions of others. So I can be having a perfectly good day and in some way I come in contact with someone that is spewing anger and that has a profound personal effect on me. Don't get me wrong. I dealt with many angry people in my career and I was very good at diffusing anger and solving problems. But the key was that a solution was agreed upon and the anger dissapated. I have had times in my life when I was perpetually angry. That anger had a life of its own and fed off of itself -- it was well fed. Then I realized that my anger, which was a necessary emotion at one point in time, no longer had any use. It had outlived its usefulness. The result was that I was miserable and I was probably miserable to be with too. I thought, "Who cares if I'm walking around angry?" I discovered the answer to that question was "me". I was the only one that cared. At that point I realized my anger was no longer useful and had become dysfunctional. So I decided to give it up. I haven't been angry like that since, and that feels very good. As a result I'm more resilient and more at peace with my life. When I get angry I figure out the real reason I'm angry and make sure I direct that anger appropriately. If that anger doesn't have any real purpose, I let go of my anger.
There are people that I come into contact with when I'm in pain, fatigued, irritable . . . you get the picture. Those people can really bug me, but if it's only about me and my state of mind, I regroup and move forward. Doctors can be annoying simply because I don't always know what they are really thinking. After a recent doctor visit I was talking about my problem with not being able to fall asleep and the neurologist told me to increase my dose of ropinirole for Willis-Ekbom and then she said she would see me in 2 months. I thought to myself, "What the heck?" So I said in a sincere tone, "Thank you for your help." I needed time to think about this visit. I always take the time to process events so I understand what I really think. It's difficult to imagine everything that is going through a doctor's brain during a 10 to 15 minute visit. And all these thoughts are traveling at the speed of light. Anyway, I took an extra ropinirol that night and I didn't notice any difference in my sleep. So I did this for several nights with the same result. I thought the increased dosage in ropinirole wasn't really helping so I cut back to my former dose. I had to laugh. I'll be darned if I wasn't more miserable throughout the day and the night. So I increased the dose again and I'm feeling better. Patience. That's something this illness has taught me. There aren't any emergencies and yet I can feel quite impatient. Patience is a big requirement when dealing with a chronic disease especially one that is poorly understood and one that has no specific treatment. In addition, fibromyalgia expresses itself differently in each person so trial and error is the care plan.
I read fibromyalgia blogs and the comments on these blogs, which are frequently about how angry these people are. That anger is directed at caregivers, doctors, pharmacists, researchers, perfect strangers . . . I wonder why these people are really so angry. My guess is because they are sick and don't feel well. But who's fault is that anyway? I haven't been able to figure out who's to blame for my misery. I sure would like to know so I could pop them a good one. But I can't find who's really responsible for this. So meanwhile, I'm going to live an uncomplicated life with joy, life satisfaction, love and peace. Since that is my M.O. I work to eliminate as much contact with angry, dissatisfied people as I can. It really helps. But I'm not going to quit looking for whoever is to blame for all of this so I can pop them a good one.
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