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Saturday, January 11, 2014

Reflections on a day

As I sit here and reflect on the events of this day I am exhausted.  I haven't slept well the last few days (no big surprise there) and when I am extra exhausted I am even more in tune with the environment around me.  That's probably because I'm quieter and therefore I listen more.  I spent time with friends today and that didn't go well.  It takes so much energy to socialize and when the karma isn't good that sucks even more energy out of me.  The karma wasn't good today and I struggled to make sense of that.  I spent some time thinking about all the events of the day.  I had an unsettling feeling after departing company with these friends.  I think one issue is that these friends don't understand fibromyalgia.  It can be difficult to keep up with people that don't know what it is like to be sick with this disease.  After all "I don't look sick".  I always seem to be struggling to try to keep up, but I'm always lagging behind.  That's unbelievable when I put so much energy into this, but the result isn't good.  The result is sadness and grief.  I think that many people with fibromyalgia grieve at least a little every day.  But getting back to the bad karma . . . as I sat with my friends and listened to the conversation, there was a whole lot of bitching and gossiping going on and as a result everyone seemed a little edgy.  The tension in the air was palpable.  As I studied each face they seemed to be oblivious to the tension.  When I was asked what I had been doing the past week I explained that I had been working to get all the Christmas decorations boxed and put back on the shelves in the garage.  One woman exclaimed that it's about time I got that done since today is the 10th of the month.  Totally clueless!  I was wishing I was back home snug in my jammies watching birds, squeezing my kitty and vegging out.  Sometimes trying to socialize just isn't worth it.
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