Sunday, August 19, 2012

Feeling alive during the darkest days

Today is a really tough day for me, because I have more pain, no vital energy, a big headache, more "fibro fog", body aches, GI distress and generalized malaise.  How do we all explain this to people that don't know how we feel?  I can't pinpoint what has caused this flair although the weather is hot and humid with a hot wind blowing so this extreme in weather may be the culprit.  This is part of the rhythm of this illness and I don't really know how to stop the flairs that come and go when I haven't really increased my activity.  I have noticed that I have more flairs on Sundays, which I could explain when I worked full time.  All that activity during the week would make me start to crash by Thursday with a full blown crash on Sunday.  I was at a birthday party last night and I had such a flair of "fibro fog" that I couldn't hardly carry on a conversation with people.  I try to laugh that off most days, but last night was difficult, because I was talking with someone I had just met and I couldn't remember the simplest things.  She just looked at me like I must be really ditzy.  That's embarrassing!  I have always said I can manage any illness as long as I have an intact brain, but my brain isn't really intact.

So, inspite of having no vital energy today, I needed to get up off the sofa, take a shower, get dressed, put on some makeup and some lipstick, pull my hair back in a ponytail and go to my favorite cafe for a latte and breakfast.  On days like these I need to get out of the house for a little while so I can feel "normal" for part of my day.  I am also going to do a little bit of sewing so I accomplish something today without overdoing it.  I try to avoid just laying on the sofa all day, because I'm afraid if I do, this might become my new normal.  That's a downward spiral that I don't want to start.  But I will have some R and R on the sofa for a little while.  I didn't do so well with resetting my circadian rhythm today . . . I didn't get out of bed until 10:00 am!  Good intentions only go so far.  Ha!  So tomorrow is another day and I am hoping this flair will be short lived.  I have focused my attention on the hummingbirds that remain so needy and drinking 5 quarts of syrup a day.  And I have squirted Gabbie, my dog, with the hose to cool off her belly and given my two kitties some attention.  I washed the sheets on the bed to maintain a feeling of accomplishment and to feel like I am still alive.  And I have admired the teal blue nail polish that I painted on my toenails yesterday.  I am back in my jammies again, but refusing to give in to this demon called fibromyalgia.  I am tired after 19 years . . . and yet I don't want this illness to rob me of my life.  So I keep on living and smiling through the pain, fatigue and misery like so many others do.  I'm so sad others are sick with fibromyalgia, but I sure am glad I have good company; I feel that I'm not alone.  May your day remind you that you too are alive and still standing and not giving in to this demon.  It's almost wine time and that is a very good time of day!  I think I'll have a bit of wine and think about the many things I am grateful for today.  That is where I want to focus.  Blessings to you and may you be well . . .
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